FAMILY LIFE CYCLES

Most people don’t like change. The uncertainty that change brings is quite frightening for most people. This is more so if the change is a major one. As you go through your family life cycle, the changes that take place may challenge you to your core. As you go from one phase to another, as you experience the change, you need support from friends, spouses, family, colleagues and professionals.

The first phase of the family life cycle is the phase when you are single. A child gradually transitions into this phase when he or she is able to make their own decisions, around the age of sixteen. The primary focus is “me, me, me”. You do what you want, wherever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. You are out to conquer the world. You have friends, you date, you work, you travel and go on holidays.

Then about the age of twenty five one transitions into the next phase of one’s life. You move in with your girlfriend or boyfriend, you may be engaged, married or just co-habitating. It is the two of you against the world now. Your focus is how your words and actions affect your partner. Often the outsiders are excluded to a certain extent, and you re-align your relationships to include extended family and friends. Your focus at your work often changes. You establish rules and guidelines for relating to each other and role of each one of you in the relationship. The emphasis is on mutuality and obscuring of differences. You work through conflicts around intimacy, sexuality, autonomy and independence. You develop a common reality between the two of you, consciously or unconsciously by agreeing, arguing or both.

Next phase begins when kids arrive. They come first. You are now re-adjusting the marital dynamics to make room for your child or children. The needs of your children outweigh the needs of your spouse as you take on a parent role: children come first. It is difficult to make plans and you have to negotiate for limited resources: time and money. The dynamics of your new family often require negotiations and discussions. The extended family take on new roles as they decide to support your growing family (or not!)

As your children reach primary school age, the emphasis shifts to individual areas of autonomy. Everyone is busy. You are taking your children to football training, basketball training, ballet lessons, piano lessons, dance classes and the like. Time and space activities have to be shared and divided up. Parents realign and give equally to children. If there is a conflict between parents, children may act out so their parents do not fight. They also may cause a problem so mum and dad have something to unite and agree on. This period may see one or both partners thinking there is no fun left in life and leave them open to having affairs.

When children reach teens, become young adults the next phase begins. Arguments and fighting with children increase. Children become externally oriented differentiating themselves from family. They develop intimate peer relationships. Both parents may take on an attitude of “every man for himself” increasing the importance of power conflict. Control may become an issue (no authority at home) and each parents refocuses on mid-life and career issues (no authority at work).
 
Eventually the children leave home. This triggers a sense of emptiness and loneliness. The marital dynamics are renegotiated as a twosome. You are back to “two against the world”. The relationship is predictable. The family can expand and the parents may find themselves as in-laws. Interacting with children transforms into adults relating to adults.

Grandparenthood follows next. If one of you goes off to spend time with grandchildren, the other may feel unsupported without any structure. Retirement is part of this phase as well and can leave one void of any structure that existed in corporate life. New dynamics have to be worked out at home as now both of you are there full time. There are also increased limitations that come with age. One of you may end up depending on the other or both of you may need a carer. You consider the possibility and the implications of being alone.

When one you leave this earth the other one is left alone, single again. We have come full circle.

Single – Couple – Preschool kids – Primary School kids – High School Kids – Kids leaving Home – Grandparents – Single

As you go from one phase to another, as you experience the change, you need the most support. This support can come from your friends, your spouse, your family, your colleagues and professionals.

Of course you can change your habits with the help of a professional too.  We provide face to face counselling and coaching, as well as telephone and email consultations.  Contact us at info@wecarewelistenwehelp.com

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