WHO IS BETTER - YOU OR ME?

You start at the top of her head.  The colour, the thickness, the shine and the length of her hair is your first assessment.  Is it natural or dyed? Then you check out her forehead for width, breadth, wrinkles and freckles.  Eyebrows are next. Are they plucked, thin, thick, suitable colour?

If you are checking out a guy it will be the same sequence but the assessment criteria will vary.  Is his hair well groomed? Is he balding?  Has he shaved off his hair?  Is it well looked after, dyed?  Does the forehead have wrinkles? Are the eyebrows bushy? Neat? Trimmed? Plucked?

Then you move on to the eyes.  The colour is very important but so are the pupils: how dilated are they? How small are they?  What about the rest of the eye? Is it white and healthy? Is it bloodshot (which may indicate tiredness or a hangover or worse still an illness)? Then you take in the eyelashes? Are they long? Short? Fake? Orderly?  Is there sleep in the corner of the eye?  Does the eye have make up? Is it carefully applied? Is it tasteful? Over the top?  Not enough?

Then the nose factors in.  How big is it? Is it straight? Curved? Does it have big visible pores?  Is it covered with foundation?  Does it have hairs hanging out? Yuck! Cheeks? Are they plump? Do the cheekbones show?  Is this person overweight? Underweight? You can tell this straight away from the face and the cheeks.  Are there any moles on the face? Freckles? Os there any make up?  If so is it the right amount?  Has she indulged too much in make up? Has she not cared at all? Is she the natural type? Is there any facial hair?  If so, should it be there or not?

Then come the lips. How plump are they? Are they thin and almost non-existent?  Are they sticking out too much? Have they been interfered with or are they natural?  Are the corners of the mouth pointing up or down?  Are the lips closed, open or parted? How about the teeth?  What colour are they? Are they good size and shape or are there irregularities and gaps?  Can you tell if they are a smoker from the colour of their teeth?

Next are the ears. The size, the shape, the holes, earrings and other attachments are taken into consideration.  Are they tasteful? Over the top? Are there any ear hairs?  Are the ears big (indication of age) or small? Then you consider the jaw. Is it well defined?  Is it symmetrical?  Is the neck joining the jaw in plump curves or does the jaw draw a distinct line separating the face from the neck.  How about the chin? Does it stick out?  Is it pushed it?  Is it in line with the lips?  In case of a man, is there any facial hair?  Is the face shaved, a little overgrown? Bearded?

Then you check the neck. Long, short, wrinkled, straight, tilting the head to one side?  Does the neck hold the head up, tilted, humped or wobbly.

You continue with the shoulders.  Is she showing them or has she covered them?  Are they muscly, mildly muscly or limp without any muscles.  What is the colour of the skin?  Is it real or is it fake-tanned? Then come the arms and any clothing that may be covering them.  They are assessed for strength, muscles, length, elegance, proportion, movement and grace.

Hands say so much about a person.  You check the top of the hands for wrinkles (older people have this part of their hands dried up).  You check the length of the fingers, their proportion, their cleanliness, their muscles. The fingernails tell their own story.  Polished? Manicured? Fake? Real? Chewed up? Long and irregular? Long and well shaped? Are there any white stripes?  While you are at it you also check the jewellery that is on the hand.  Wedding and engagement rings, friendship rings, graduation rings, show off ring, watches, bracelets are all evaluated for taste, value, showing off qualities, modesty, fussiness, over the top-ness?

Then you check out the rest of the body moving down assessing each body part for how well this person has looked after it or not.  Are they fat pr slim, tall or short? How young they look.  How strong they look? How well dressed are they? Are they tasteful? Clean? Do they portray an image of “I don’t care” or a rebel? Are they showing off too much of their body? Are they hiding too much of it? What dress code and standards may they have? What might their eating, sleeping and exercise habits be like?  Do they know how to dress for the occasion? Are they trying to blend away or stand out? How do they hold their body? Upright and flexible? Stiff? Slumped? Do they stand still or wiggle and jiggle a lot? Do they have nervous ticks? Do they maintain eye contact or shy away? Do they look like they are there or have they checked out and look like they are daydreaming? How do they relate to people around them?  Are they in a leading role? A peer role, or the underdog?

What are they thinking about? How educated are they? How financially stable are they? Do they have a good job? Their own business? What kind of car might they be driving? Are they living alone? Are they living with their parents? Sharing accommodation with mates? Do they have a big fat bank account, an investment portfolio and trust funds to take care of things? Do they have the skill to maintain good fame and fortune or to they look like they were just lucky and got the right family, inheritance, lucky break?

Do they like children? Do they have children? Will they want children? Are they married, single, divorced, gay, lesbian? Are they the stable “I take no risks” person or do they like going for it? Are they easy going? Demanding? When faced with conflict, do they fight on, surrender? Are they clever and find win-win solutions? How often to they get angry, sad, cry or laugh? Are they jealous or self confident? Are they organised or do they live in a mess?  Do they have facebook and twitter accounts?  Do they blog?  Do they have a web site? How many email accounts would they have?

Do they drink a lot? Do they like going out? Do they flirt? Are they faithful? Are they patient?  What are their dreams and aspirations? Do they have brothers and sisters? Are their parents alive?

Are you getting bored with these questions?  Are you saying where are we heading with this? Are you saying this is taking too long?  Are you saying there is no way I would do that? The truth is you do.  With every person you meet you assess them using all of the above or even a longer list of criteria.  You even re-assess each person on your second third fourth encounter.  You re-assess them if you have not seen them for a while.  You re-assess them if a significant even has happened in their life or yours or both.

Your mind does this subconsciously and it takes split seconds.  You mind goes through tons of data, pattern matching billions of details available to your senses. All of this is done at mind boggling speeds that would make any computer manufacturer jealous with envy. And the answer is one of these two:

He/she is better than me. I can look up to them. I can learn from them. I can benefit from them. I can stick around them.  I need to get them to like me, notice me, pay attention to me and want me.  Because they are OK and I am not OK. They deserve all the good things and I don’t. This perspective can trigger sadness or can be triggered by sadness or depression.
OR
I am better than them. They will look up to me. They will want things from me.  They will want to stick around me.  They will like me, notice me, pay attention to me and want me.  Oh my God, I better avoid them.  Because I am OK and they are not OK. I deserve all the good things and they don’t. This perspective can trigger anger and rage or can be triggered by anger and rage.

Based on your lightning speed assessment you either idolise them and put on your best behaviour or you put them down and stay away from them.

In eight out of ten cases you decide that they are better than you (They are OK and I’m not OK). You give your power away.  You make them better than you. You put them on a pedestal. You exaggerate their good sides and overlook their bad sides and faults.  At the same time you exaggerate your faults and weaknesses and undermine your strength and virtues. This creates an uneven power balance and they have the upper hand. It is like you are the child and they are the parent.

On some occasions you go the other way.  You decide you are OK and they are not OK.  You put yourself on the pedestal.  You feel more powerful then them. You exaggerate their faults and weaknesses and overlook their strengths and virtues.  You overlook your own weaknesses and faults and exaggerate your strengths and virtues.  This creates an uneven power balance and you have the upper hand. It is like they are the child and you are the parent.

We are exaggerating here to make a point.  But the assessment, judging, working out the pecking order goes on all the time. It applies to friendships, employer-employee interactions, colleague-colleague dialogues, partnerships, sales, negotiations, in-laws, out-laws, professional connections, on the phone, face to face, in emails, blogs, face to face dating, online dating to name a few..

What is the best way of handling these assessments?  Who should have the upper hand?  Should you give your power away?  Should you aim to claim it back from the other person?  The answer lies in being an adult (not the parent and not the child) and seeing the other as an adult (not the parent not the child).  You properly and adequately assess their strengths and weaknesses and you do the same for your own strengths and weaknesses.  You notice they have strengths in some areas and you have strengths in other areas.  You are equally valuable, equally lovable, equally deserving, equally worthy, equally powerful.

If you want to work out how applicable this in your life, make a list of all the people you have close interactions with, family, friends, colleagues, business associates, clients, suppliers, professionals whose services you use (accountants, solicitors etc).  Then check out how many of them do you feel an equal to, how many of them you feel you have more power over and how many of them may have more power over you.

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