WeCareWeListenWeHelp

YES MAN

What is the first word a child learns? For most children the first word they learn to say is: “No” Did you ever wonder why? Did you ever wonder why it is that the response “No” tends to be heard and spoken more often than “Yes” especially when we are growing up.
“No, you can’t have that.”
“No, do not touch that.”
“No, do not eat that.”
“No, you are not allowed in there.”
“No, do not touch yourself that way.”
“No, you can’t go out.”
“No, you can’t go out with him.”
“No, you can’t have this job.”
“No, you can not have a raise.”
“No, your loan has been declined”
“No, you can’t join our group.”
“No, he can’t take your call right now.”

While “No” is not necessarily a rejection, it is often incorrectly interpreted that way. Little wonder the biggest fear we experience is fear of rejection. To most of us, hearing “No” and “Being rejected” is scarier than death.

Take action:

Get a piece of paper and pad now, and write down as many “No” messages as you can remember that affected you in some way. You do not need to remember when exactly you heard it, who exactly said it, where you were when you heard it, what the circumstances were when you experienced these messages.

Then go over your list one more time and this time write down the feelings, thoughts and emotions you experience after each of the “No”s.

We practice what we learn. As a consequence of hearing so many “No”s we tend to condition ourselves to say No, almost automatically when we are asked of something. Sales people, kids, family members, colleagues, bosses, government, charities and many others keep asking us. Do you say no without even thinking about it?

What if the first thing we learned as we learned to talk was “Yes”? What if we heard “Yes” far more often than “No”? What if we had “Yes” around us much more than we had “No”? Does that change the energy?

The important point is to remember we have a choice. We do not have to automatically say yes or automatically say no. Yes is harder is some situations and is easy in others. Same applies to no. Perhaps we can look at our habits and develop new ones.

One of the easiest ways to develop new habits is to practice. Here is a game you can play with someone:
Game:

1. Make a list of the questions you find hard to say “No” to. Here are some examples: Will you do this job for me?

• Will you come to this party with me?
• Will you lend me some money?
• Can I go out tonight?
• Shall we have a drink?
• Do you want to go away for a weekend?
• Will you have sex with me?
• Will you give me a raise?
• Will you take out the rubbish?
• May I borrow your book/CD/Car?
• May I drop in?
• Did you drink last night?
• Did you gamble last night?
• Have you been sleeping around?
• Will you be home tonight?
• Do you love me?

Then give your list to your support person. They ask you these questions with as much authenticity as they can muster. Your task is simply to say “No”. You can have a few rounds and may even like to change or add to your questions. Remember the object is to develop new habits so you have more choice next time you are faced with these questions.

2. Now make a list of the questions you find hard to say “Yes” to. It is important that you make a brand new list and not use the one you may have come up with for the previous exercise. After all they were the questions you find hard to say “No” to. Then give your list to your support person. They ask you these questions with as much authenticity as they can muster. Your task is simply to say “No”. You can have a few rounds and may even like to change or add to your questions. Remember the object is to develop new habits so you have more choice next time you are faced with these questions.

Of course you can change your habits with the help of a professional too. We provide face to face counselling and coaching, as well as telephone and email consultations. Contact us at info@wecarewelistenwehelp.com